During the recent weeks of kicking off the busy fall wedding season in Tucson, I’ve enjoyed officiating ceremonies with young people involved. (By young I mean eight to 17 years old.) This happens more and more, as families blend with children of various ages.

I must admit I’m not a Mom, yet I do aspire to be the coolest Aunt ever! I don’t have a reservoir of kid wisdom. Although, I’ve experienced a few successful ways to involve kids in ceremonies, be it weddings or memorials.

We’ve all seen adorable flower girls, ring bearers or candle lighters. Here are a few ideas beyond the ‘usual’ to consider:

• Bring kids into the creative process. While planning a ceremony, the logistics may be overwhelming. Stepping back with a more childlike frame of mind to make it fun and really bring kids into the fray, might just help! I welcome this with families. For example, have a processional led by children and ask them what kind of happy noises they want to make! (e.g. bells? kazoos? rattles?)

• Ask if they want to participate. If so, offer meaningful roles. Many times we see more formal roles for kids where they have to stand still and be cute for pictures. Not always easy to achieve! That is slowly changing though, as this article suggests. What if they were more actively participating, say by exchanging family vows or symbolic gifts? Or reading from a family’s favorite children’s book? Wouldn’t that be more fun?

• Let them review the ceremony script and offer editorial suggestions. No, I’m not kidding. They might offer up surprising advice that helps the ceremony feel more real to them and everyone present. I just had this  happen last week, when two super-fly boys were helpers with the Ring Warming for their Dad’s wedding.

Hopefully, these quick ideas – plus the fun in-depth articles I’ve linked to – offer plenty of fresh ways to bring kids into whatever ceremony you might be planning!

Have fun,

Kristine

Have you ever heard this phrase and wondered, “Okay, what on earth does holding space really mean anyway?” If yes, then treasures await you in this post! If you’ve already claimed your own working definition, I welcome your thoughts. Holding space for others can occur one-on-one, within a family, a circle of friends, an organization or even larger circles of relations, right? So truly, the phrase lends itself to myriad definitions.

When I lead ceremonies, (especially smaller, more intimate and emotionally expressive kinds) holding space is often my most foundational function. During larger scale celebrations with 150+ people, I also hold space for the couple, individual or family being honored. Within this spectrum of the quietly intimate to larger forum, I feel very solid and attuned in this active role.

Thanks to recent nudges from a dear sister in our Tucson Threshold Choir, I’m offering my explanation as food for thought. (And I’d love to develop a dialogue in the comments below!) As I see it, this is a juicy subject with relevance for all of us in our daily living.

Based on the sum of my experiences in this moment, holding space for others involves enacting a few key behaviors:

• Authentic Listening. Tuning in beyond verbal exchange with unadorned curiosity, we open ourselves to receiving information from non-verbal cues, the greater setting or context and the frequency of energy people bring into the space.
• Pure Presence. Coming into the space feeling centered and checking ego at the door, we suspend judgment – yet allow room for creative discernment – so we may open the possibilities for authentic expression or movement to occur.
• Wholeheartedness. Seeing the expanse of what is possible, we enter into the experience unafraid of unknowable emotions that may well up. We are there for the wholeness of the experience - the funny, sad, beautiful, ironic, strange, irreverent, loving – you name it.
• Embracing Silence. Understanding that brief clarifying questions  followed by simple pauses and even long stretches of ‘wordlessness’ may be the most productive use of time for everyone present.

Here are words from a courageous women with whom I just worked to co-create a personal ceremony during a transition in her life. She illustrates how I actively held space for her:

“Kristine is a gifted, sensitive, very real (not woo woo) spiritual facilitator. She so skillfully weaves together symbols, and elements from rituals derived from many different eastern, western and southwestern cultures and traditions to co-create a very personal and intimate ceremony.  She quieted her ego to allow my story to emerge and unfold. She listened and was ever present, so as to be able to interject subtle questions or thoughtful comments to encourage the healing to flow through the foggy and rough patches.”

As you’ve read this, I imagine you’re recalling the times you’ve held space for others, without even knowing it perhaps! And now, you have a few expansive ideas for the next opportunity that awaits you.

Do let me know how it goes!

Kristine

I’m fresh from a head-to-toe goose bump experience that compels me to write. It happened at the Celebration of Life I led last weekend. And it had to do with musical performance.

We’ve all heard the tune Amazing Grace countless times, right? Maybe via someone singing or bagpipes playing. (Always better than a recording!) I even sang it once for a family at a graveside committal; the first time the song’s meaning sunk into me. It is a beautiful tune with compelling lyrics, despite it being mildly omnipresent at memorials.

Back to my goose bump experience, though. Have you ever heard Amazing Grace played on the accordion? By a man, eyes closed, with a stance so grounded he looks to be summoning the Divine right up from the earth through his very feet? And then the Divine comes literally flowing out of his instrument directly into people’s hearts?

Well, there it is. That is what I witnessed. Unreal. With his utterly transcendent musical talent, he reached into people’s hearts with so much grace, the notes felt sacred. Tears were flowing. I swear, the vibrations of every note he played sent healing waves of release into every fiber of our beings. The feeling in the room was surreal. The deceased’s son and daughter jumped to their feet with applause saying, “thank you, thank you!”.

What an exquisite musical choice, made entirely by the family.

This experience along with others, leads me to offering a few tips for musical choices during any celebration, whether focused on new life, love or even loss. Here is what I observe that makes a difference:

• Family connection to the musician(s). When the family or friends surrounding the honorees really know the musician or musical group, the selection and performance is guided by shared values. Given expectations are spelled out clearly, this makes the music more relevant and full of meaning for everyone attending.
• Personal history with the music and lyrics. Even if the music is recorded, if the song transports you to a memorable time, it has powerful resonance. It may transport a couple during their wedding to that moment they first met. It may remind a mourning family of when the deceased shone in life. The more shared the history, the more poignant hearing the music becomes.
• Placing the music at a pivotal point in the ceremony. This may take some stepping back to consider the emotional arc of the whole ceremony. For example, with this accordion performance I’m gushing about: it occurred right after I delivered tough words to hear. Honest words about the nature of the death we were present to grieve. The music kindled a space for emotional expression that was needed, right then, and not a moment later.

As I write, I am so thankful for having these experiences and sharing my observations with you. This is wondrous work families do when they celebrate their lives. I am humbled to support families as a ceremonial guide. And as this post attests, I am energized by walking beside them!

Kristine

I had no idea how fun elopement ceremonies could be until I began leading them. Simple. Unfettered. Joyful! Being in-the-moment. No fuss, no muss.  The eloping couples I have worked with bring these sentiments and more. Plus, they often find that Southern Arizona (especially in the winter!) is a sublime setting for a relaxed outdoor ceremony.

Me with Carolyn & John - speaking to their witnesses Anne and Henry

One story I’d like to share in particular is that of John and Carolyn. I composed and led their wedding for them in late December 2010. They are an amazingly inspiring couple, for more reasons than I can do justice to here.

I will relay their story in a few ‘chapters’ on my blog, because not only did I lead their Tucson elopement ceremony, they will fly me to their big family celebration and ceremony in Iowa this April! What an honor to lead another wedding for them, with their sons and more family and friends present.

Back to the Tucson story: John called me on Christmas Eve morning to see if I would work with them – and ahem – quickly. My reply was, “of course!” (Fun note: John spotted my ad in Tucson Bride & Groom Magazine while he waited for Carolyn to try on dresses.) We met Sunday, after Christmas. Later that evening, they emailed me responses to a few short questions, in order to co-create their vows and ring exchange. I drafted their personalized ceremony early Monday morning. They both expressed tears of joy upon reading it. I was thrilled when their text messages said “WE LOVE IT!”. Later that afternoon, we had their simple and yet, oh so poignant wedding.

So here is a wee peek into the possible joys of eloping in Southern Arizona.We have much to offer here: casual atmosphere in the Old Pueblo, stunning scenery of the Sonoran Desert, and gentle weather to boot.

If you are thinking about eloping – in two days or two weeks – give me a call to explore possibilities in Southern Arizona!

Warmly,

Kristine

Kindness. Compassion. Service. Love. Khalsa Montessori School students wrote these words – as wishes for our community – during a Healing Trees planting ceremony this week on their Tucson campus. The tree was donated by the Alzheimer’s Foundation in Tucson. Lucky me, I was invited by Annie Loyd of the Fusion Foundation to help enact the ceremony.

Nearly 100 preschoolers and elementary school students participated, so as you might imagine, the energy level was high. So FUN! I loved the bright sense of awareness these children and their teachers brought to the tree planting.

Our Tree Planting Team (L to R): representatives from Alzheimer's Foundation, Khalsa Montessori School, me and Trees for Tucson

We planted a Desert Museum Palo Verde in remembrance of the January 8th Tucson shootings. It now serves as a symbol of healing: to honor community members who perished or were wounded, and the many impacted by the losses.

We placed the tender roots into the ground to represent new beginnings and new awareness. Amazingly, each of the preschoolers gently placed soil back into the hole with their own hands.

We created a unified moment along with many other Healing Trees planting ceremonies in Arizona on February 14th. In that moment we reflected upon how we can choose to bring goodness into the world and celebrate life.

The most wondrous part of the planting involved the watering ritual. Students wrote their wishes and intentions on water soluble paper I provided. They were asked to think of one word and write it in crayon on small strips. They put their wishes into the watering can and Voila! Their colorful wishes floated on the surface, infusing the water for the newly planted tree’s first drink. Nirvair Khalsa, their principal, watered the root ball as the children cheered.

Take a look at this Phoenix News Report about Healing Tree’s statewide effort. There are 1,000 more trees to be planted . . . stay tuned and learn about how you might help!

I hope the tree we planted in Tucson long serves as a symbol for the school community: of service, love, kindness, compassion and healing.

With Joy,

Kristine

P.S. Here is a photo of some of the student’s ‘wishes on the water’:

A celebration familiar to many of us is a ‘grand opening’ ceremony for a new business or nonprofit organization. It is a way to mark a new beginning for a physical space, a group of founders and staff, plus future partners, clients or community. Here is a peek into a recent opening ceremony that I assisted with at the Whole Life Center at Shadow Rock in Glendale, AZ.

The Center is an ingenious, inviting and resource-rich extension of a church community. The bottom line of its mission: balance and wellness for mind/body/spirit. My friend and colleague Marilyn Rampley invited me to assist her open-minded and engaging community in celebrating the Center’s opening. I was honored to participate! I met amazing folks. We shared a fun time imbued with meaning and joy.  Here is a peek into the happenings:

Making Noise in the Opening Circle!

First, attendees participated in an opening circle, with music making to energize and open up the group. Annie Loyd, founder of the Fusion Foundation, led the drumming. I love the upward shift of energy that occurs within a group when movement and music happens!

After opening words and prayers to call in the Seven Directions, I led a call and response based on the mission of the Whole Life Center. We shared individual expressions about what the Center’s opening meant to people: healing, wellness, honoring transitions, safe space, opportunity and so on.

Then I shared a few words about how we were all present to collectively bless the opening of the center. I believe we all have the power to bless an endeavor, a place and each other. I shared a few words from John O’Donohue:

“What is a blessing? A blessing is a circle of light drawn around a person (or place) to protect, heal and strengthen. Life is a constant flow of emergence. The beauty of blessing is its belief that it can affect what unfolds. . . We could say that a blessing “forebrightens” the way. When a blessing is invoked, a window opens in eternal time.”

With these words and great excitement about the new opening, we exclaimed together: “Now we bless and open the Whole Life Center!” Then Rev. Ken Heintzelman prepared to cut the ribbon across the main entrance. Before this symbolic act, he asked everyone standing in the larger circle to put their right hand on the shoulder of the person next to them, until all were connected. That way the positive collective energy of the group really poured through him for the ribbon cutting and new beginning!

At Sweetgrass, I love to help people acknowledge a variety of transitions. A new beginning is an especially fun celebration! I’d love to hear about how you’ve celebrated one for yourself or others, too.

Blessings Always,

Kristine

This week, I served a family while caring for their elegant mother in their home, after she peacefully transitioned in her sleep. They had intensively and sensitively cared for her the past few years, so a home funeral was a very natural extension of their efforts. How they entered the work of caring for her body at home with pure stamina, gentle awareness and the tenderest kind of courage simply leaves me speechless.

As I left their home after a nearly twelve hour day of supporting their work, neighbors began visiting. The day had included an array of decisions and tending to legal details, communication, physical care and paperwork. By evening, gifts of food, flowers, wine, poetry and photos came pouring in. I paused for a bit outside, to witness expressions of both laughter and tears. I saw children, young adults and elderly all standing together to support the family. They were helping each other carry what was too big to carry alone in that moment: be it grief, relief or sadness. And all the while, the deceased was naturally lying in grace for people to sit with, too. It was poignant and oh, so very real.

This story from the New York Times yesterday, conveys many of the reasons why I feel the practice of home funerals is re-emerging. Increasingly, people want to hold celebrations for life passages at home: weddings, anniversaries, or even memorials. According to this article, 80% want to carry out the sacred act of dying at home, too.

The scenes I witnessed while serving the family I’ve described here, all illustrate the power of honest and open dialogue about caring for our own at home. What are your wishes about your final days? Do they involve being at home? Are you conveying these ideas to your loved ones? Opening ourselves to this dialogue is one of the kindest gifts we can give each other, in my humble opinion.

With Love,

Kristine

Bill and Dianne after they took their vows!

I felt completely blessed to be a part of this wedding a few evenings ago. The Bride and Groom are both approaching 80 years of age. They both, along with their supportive family members, completely inspired me! They are SO in love! As I watched the family take photos after the ceremony, my heart was nearly bursting open with a sense of how today is truly a gift. Here is a passage from the ceremony I composed:

“As a couple, you feel a common chord connecting you, about doing the best with what you have and being thankful for every day you are given. You quickly felt a natural connection this way, in your philosophies of life and living based on many rich experiences. For all that you have experienced, however, you do not dwell in the past. You are VERY present right now, right here, today. A gift for which you are so grateful.”

Summer evening at DeGrazia Chapel in Tucson, AZ

The Groom was one of the original lithographers for the artist Ted DeGrazia. It was fitting to have the wedding in the DeGrazia Chapel, at the Gallery of the Sun. We timed the ceremony to be held at sunset, as the couple is in their precious sunset years of life. It was simply beautiful! Afterward, we even had a graceful bat or two swoop into the Chapel, which is open to the sky above.

I am so thankful to be doing this work when I serve families in these deeply memorable moments. There were tears and laughter and such good stories. When I walked up the path to my house later that night, I saw a huge bursting star fall, with a long shimmering tail. The perfect footnote to an evening that felt so full of stardust already!

In Gratefulness,

Kristine

I usually define myself by what I am, rather than what I am not. For example, a generous listener, a creative Wedding Celebrant, an energetic weaver of ceremonies. Yet in response to this story about a robot officiating a wedding in Japan, I simply cannot help myself and must state:

I am not and never will be a robotic officiant.

There, got that out. I need to add though, how I LOVE the way this lovely couple chose to make their ceremony such a unique reflection of themselves. Since the robotics industry brought them together, I think the scenario is brilliantly clever and fun.

;-*D

Kristine

Tomorrow night I am leading a wedding ceremony for a couple. They are bright, energetic, hard working, hilarious and so loving toward each other. They have been together seven years and want to publicly commit their lives to each other, with a community of friends and family encircling them in love.

After the ceremony however, I won’t be filing a marriage license. The State of Arizona will not recognize their joining because this couple is gay. In the ceremony, we acknowledge how “their love is BIGGER than social rules” and hope how someday they will find legal recognition in addition to social recognition of their commitment to each other.

Here is an excerpt from the 2003 Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court decision that legalized same-sex marriage in that state. I keep it nearby when I write ceremonies for same-sex couples, to be inspired or to insert pieces of it.

“Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition.

It is undoubtedly for these concrete reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance, that civil marriage has long been termed a ‘civil right.’ Without the right to choose to marry, one is excluded from the full range of human experience.”

I love that phrase, “it (civil marriage) fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven and connection that express our common humanity” because regardless of belief systems, isn’t that something we might all agree we share?

With Love,

Kristine